One Year Anniversary of your death
It has been one year today since you left this earth to move on to your next life. How appropriate that I called you on that very day only to learn that you had passed away - just passed away a couple of hours before I called. I think about you often. I suspect there are countless people around the world who still read your poetry and think about you and appreciate your insights and reflections. I doubt that anyone ever knew you as well as I - your anxiety in the mornings your loneliness when you wandered your Irish laughter with friends around a bar your priestliness that you often hid but not well from me.
I remember your writing in your most recent edition of Men Too Gentle "I will probably be a searcher until I die and hopefully death itself will only be another adventure." Sometimes I wonder what you would be writing about if you could share the adventure you are experiencing now. One thing about which I feel sure - your not searching anymore. You have found . . . peace . . . love . . . understanding . . . oneness with humanity . . . and oneness with God who is Love.
It is snowing outside today. I am cozy inside our home - the one we bought and remodeled together thirty years ago. I updated it again in 2003- the year that Mom and Lin both passed away. It was how I dealt with losing them both just weeks apart.
I call on you from time to time - when I'm not sure what to do or where to turn. I often feel your presence and talk to you as if you were right here with me. I look forward to reuniting with you one day soul to soul. But not yet! I hope to live a long life on this earth. I still have so much I want to do. I miss you but I do love my life. I have wonderful friends some of whom were ours together a long time ago. One of your friends contacted me a few months ago and we chat about you occasionally via email. I know you must be enjoying the attention of having us reminisce about the "you" we each knew.
I talked to several of our old friends shortly after your passing. I reconnected with Phil Ryan with Toby Anderson and Darrell Fetty with Nancy Spilker and even Van Zannis Jr. He sent some pictures of you that I posted on this site.
You were a crazy man - so full of the unexpected. You were completely unpredictable except in your unpredictableness. I never knew when you were leaving or when you would return. It took me years to finally come to know that you would return. If I had understood that earlier in our life together it could have spared me many many tears.
Almost every Friday night Chris and I get together for dinner. We always begin the evening with a toast: "It's Friday night in the City. The singles bars explode to welcome the weekend for which the week was made. Slow down. Monday will never come tonight." You wrote me a poem once: "It's in the mornings that I miss you most of all." Well I miss you all the time. No one particular time. Just moments that hit me and I realize that I won't be able to reach out and touch your hand or see the fear - or the twinkle - in your eyes.
For now I must content myself to live the life given me. I have many things in which I'm involved. I have a book that is being converted to a screen play at the moment. I remember when you had Coward for Them All converted to a screenplay. It was an exciting time when the book first came out . . . and then the screenplay. And then your heartache when the script didn't sell. Actually it did sell as a movie made for television but you wanted to hold out for a feature film. And that never happened.
We did have our moments of agony that we shared and our moments of ecstasy. You remain the most significant person in my life. I hold out hope that I will meet another who will love me and I him with the depth of the love we shared . . . and without so many unexpectected and unplanned spaces in our togetherness.
Sometimes when I am missing you I just sit by the fire and pick up one of your poetry books. All I have to do is read a few pages and I am reminded instantly by the poem of a moment we shared once - either one when you were angry with me or one when you were longing for me and hoping to come back. Well sweetheart the next time it will be I who comes home to you . . . to share eternity with you.
Be at peace and know that I still love you and miss you.